It's been a while since my last entry and there's a reason for that. I've been in the proverbial desert. It has been a season of my life in which I couldn't bring myself to open my Bible for several weeks. I prayed only when I wanted and felt drained of my true joy. You see, for the first time since I was diagnosed with cancer, I have felt the effects of toxic feelings such as anger, bitterness, jealousy, and resentment start to creep into my attitude. Such feelings stemmed from the seeds sown by the little devil on my shoulder. It feels just like the cartoon. He is the little red devil version of me, outfitted with horns, a pitchfork, a long gotee, and some bad tattoos. It is in this suffering that I hear him most clearly. When I can't sleep, he tells me that I did nothing to deserve this. When I can't shake the constant nausea, he questions how a loving God would allow this to happen to me. When I think about the long remaining months of treatment, he tells me to throw in the towel and stop fighting the good fight. It was in such a weary, vulnerable state that I began to feast on those lies like homeless man at a buffet.
But by God's grace, this little devil is not my only companion. I also have a "mini-me" on the other shoulder, complete with wings, a white robe, and a halo. His voice is always very quiet, barely above a whisper. He doesn't shout or scream or compete for my attention. Despite these momentary hardships, he speaks truth to me. He reminds me of the past events in my life in which I have seen God's faithfulness over and over. He tells me how much I am loved, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Most importantly, he repeats again and again that I am not alone by any stretch of the imagination. Very slowly, but surely, this active and living Spirit of God is re-focusing my perspective back on eternity. Deep down, I know these truths to be real and concrete. It's just that the lies have won on the battlefield of my mind. But make no mistake, truth has a strong foothold in the war for my heart.
My friends, I am not bulletproof. Oh how I would love think I am sometimes. These past few weeks have entailed nothing short of my greatest struggles with God. Luckily, He can handle it. If you would be so kind, I'd like to swallow my pride and enlist you in prayerful support. I would like to ask for reminders of truth in these desert seasons. Pray that God would overwhelm my heart with reassurance of His presence. I don't foresee the rest of this journey getting any easier, but by God's grace alone, I will finish well. I'd like to leave you with the quote that became the fulcrum for the change in my perspective:
"Rejoice, O my soul, that you are spared to testify of the faithfulness of the Lord. The seasons change, and you change, but your Lord abides evermore the same, and the streams of His love are as deep, as broad, and as full as ever."
- Charles Spurgeon
Eyes on eternity,
MH
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